


The Inquisition's 'Nope' List for Dealing With Madness

by KaosKe



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack, Game Spoilers, Gen, No-No List, Noodle Incidents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 18:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4273314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaosKe/pseuds/KaosKe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hey Folks! So this was on KinkMeme:</p>
<p>OP Says:<br/>Tell me what your Inquisitor isn't allowed to do anymore.<br/>Random listings without explanation are fine!<br/>Inky's from Thedas or Earth welcome!</p>
<p>~~<br/>Headaches for the Advisers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Inquisition's 'Nope' List for Dealing With Madness

**Author's Note:**

> The OP wants to be drowned so head over there and talk about what your Inquzzies are not allowed to do!
> 
> This is not Cannon for Madness. Not necessarily Nyxx...  
> This was a lot of fun!! I regret Nothing!

1) If it makes Sera giggle out loud, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it.

    ~ Addendum:

           -If Sera-

                   - Laughs ‘on the inside’, even a little bit.

                   - Snorts

                   - Chuckles

                   - Chortles

                   - Snickers

                   - Hoots

                   - Guffaws

                   - Even if it was more of a hiss.

                   - Expresses any form of amusement!

_~ Sera: ‘Pfft’, yea right, so I’m not allowed to think while breathing? Or breathe while thinking?_

_~ Solas: That should not be a problem, I do not believe it a skill you possess…Thinking that is._

2) If it makes Dorian giggle for more than fifteen seconds, I am definitely not allowed to do it.

3) If Josie/Leliana/Cassandra/ ~~Cullen~~ says I'm not allowed to do it, I'm not allowed to do it.

                -That doesn’t mean I can go ~~seduce~~ ask Cullen behind their back after being told no.

                -All ideas, thoughts, and plans I deem ‘clever’ are to be presented to Lady Montilyet, Lady Nightingale, and Seeker Pentaghast. So that the presented material, can be thoroughly vetted for whether or not such a claim is applicable.

_~ Inquisitor: Really, Josie? You’re just going to tell me, no, anyways… Vetted? That’s just Ambassador speak for ‘not fuckin’ happening’._

_~ Cullen: Let it be known that after the ‘Stuffed Nug, Bee Hive, Trebuchet’ Incident I, Cullen Stanton Rutherford, am no longer allowed to give permission._

4) I am no longer allowed to flirt with Commander Cullen, in front of the troops

_~ Cullen: No, Inquisititor. Just… No. Leliana. Josephine. Cassandra. Please don’t leave me alone with her again… I- I don’t know what she’ll convince me to do next…_

_~ Inquisitor: As of the ‘Stuffed Nug, Bee Hive, Trebuchet’ Incident I, Inquisitor Lavellan, am no longer allowed to flirt with the Commander, anywhere, ever. Especially, not behind closed doors away from designated chaperones, that could intercede on the Commander’s behalf._

5)"Because I'm too pretty to do paperwork." is not a good reason for ignoring the Advisors’ reports.

_~ Addendum_

           -None of the following are valid reasons for ignoring the Advisors’ reports or avoiding paper work.

                  -‘Because I’m the Mother Fucking Inquisitor…’

                  -‘I’m Dalish! I don’t fucking understand this shit!’

                  -‘As the Inquisitor, I hear by order myself not to.’

                  -‘I’m not even human…’

                  -‘I drank Bull’s dragon piss liquor last week, my brain is broken…’

                  -‘Andraste’s Tits and/or Maker’s Balls told me I don’t have to…’

_~ Josie: The last one is offensive. Inquisitor, please, refrain from saying this to the Chantry Mothers… and the Templars… and Cassandra… Seriously, she might stab you next time, Anchor or no._

   --- Space left empty for future non valid excuses.---

     -

     -

     -

_~Bullets continue to back of page~_

6) When asked to explain my behavior, "The Maker’s Bride told me to." is an inappropriate response.

     _~ Josie: Seriously, Inquisitor, stop. Cassandra is sharpening her blade in preparation.You don't even believe in The Maker..._

7) It is better to receive forgiveness after the fact than to ask permission before, no longer applies to Inquisitor Lavellan.

8) I can only bother Solas when he is sleeping if the Anchor is troubling me, not because I like to stare at his face while he holds my hand.

9) "Burn the whole fucking place to the ground" is not a valid diplomatic policy.

                - Even if it is Orlais

                      - Even if the Empire ‘has it coming’ it’s still not valid

                            -Even if the masses agree with you

10) I am not allowed to cite "The Maker willed it so" as the reason why I did something.

     _~ Josie: Really, Inquisitor? You need to stop using Andraste and The Maker when it suits you... We all know The Maker didn’t have anything to do with that bucket of water that was dumped on me last week._

11) I am not to take the phrase 'Dropping In' literally.

                -Especially, when Solas is 'trolling' the Fade for hot spirit action.

_~ Solas: Oh for… Really, Da’lin? I am not 'trolling the fade for hot spirit action’. I am simply looking for memories no mortal ha-_

_~ Sera: That’s not what I heard-_

_~ Solas: I do not care what you heard Blackwall say!_

12)  I am not to refer to Empress Celene as 'that high-and-mighty slaughter-wench' within earshot of any Orlasian Nobles.

                -Nor ‘EmprASS KILLene: Elven Oppressor Supreme’

                -Nor 'That Orlesian Bitch Face, that burns shit'

13) ‘Opening a Fade Rift to shit demons everywhere’ is not a diplomatic solution.

                -Again even if it is Orlais…

                        -Even if they deserve it…

                        -Not even if its ‘just a teeny tiny one’

_~ Josie: I told you before, Inquisitor, no! The events at Halamshiral will not change my stance. No. Just... See Rule 9*Inquisitor…_

                -Neither is a sword

                       -Even if it is the Inquisitor’s sword of office.

                -Nor poison

                -Nor a dagger

_~ Inquisitor: That's not what Leliana said and after what happened at the Winter Palace… Why is this rule here…_

                --Exceptions: Unless supervised and approved by Lady Nightingale.--

_~ Josie: Lady Montilyet does not wish to be included in these instances. In fact, I do not even need to know._

_~ Inquisitor: HA! Told you Leliana would disagree..._

14) Dagna and I are to keep her experiments contained to the undercroft

                -We are to give Harritt ample warning BEFORE we begin an experiment

_~ Harritt: Yelling, ‘Harritt! Watch out!’ mere seconds before hand does not count as ample warning… Your Worship…_

                -We are to inform the rest of Skyhold before we start an experiment that could explode

                -We are not to experiment on anyone:

                        -Even if-

                               - ‘it’s not permanent’

                               - ‘it’ll only hurt/tingle a little’

                               - ‘they will wake up- eventually…’

                               - ‘They gave consent’

_~ Cullen: Dagna, please, refrain from using the Inquisitor’s status to obtain ‘willing Genie Pigs’. You know very well, many people wouldn’t dare tell Andraste’s Herald ‘NO’._

 

_~Included after Inquisitor and Solas returned from Crestwood separately~_

15) I will not axe kick Solas in the head while he is asleep.

                -Nor when he is awake…

                -Nor while using Stealth

                -Shadow Strike is also a no-no

                -Nor will I utilize my assassin skills to vent my anger on him

16) I will not cover every available surface of the rotunda’s lower level with saucers of tea

17) I will not dump tea on Solas’ head, from the second floor

                -Nor the third floor

                -Any other beverages are also a no-no

_~ Inquisitor: I told you already I wasn't the one that poured the wine!_

                -Nor the rafters

_~ Leliana: The use of the rafters as a loophole, while clever, counts as utilizing your assassin skills, Inquisitor. See last bullet of rule 15*_

18) I will not pretend to throw the Foci so I can watch as Solas, ‘The Dread Wolf’, fruitlessly searches for it.

_~ Sera: Things still ain’t right from the first time that elfy asshat dog lost his stupid glowy ball!_

_~ Solas: Really, Vhenan? I am sorry. I know you are angry. But, please, the Foci-_

_~ Sera, Varric, the Solavellan trash community, and other interested parties: Okay, but just once- maybe twice if he falls for it again..._

 

 

_~_ _Bonus:_

_~_

_~ Inquisitor: Fetch Fenny! =throws Foci_

_=Suddenly A ‘Wild’ Fade Rift appears=_

_Inquisitor: …Oh… (o_o) -Oh no… ( <.<) -how’d that get there… _

_=’Wild’ Fade Rift sucks Foci into Fade=_

_Solas: (_ _=_ _o_ _=) …_

_Inquisitor: (*.*)… Ah… Damn… ( >.<) I can get it back… Huh… Well… (O.o) -Would you look at that, damn Anchor is on the fritz… Guess you got to stay with me… Cause… ya know… (^>^) -Anchor…_

_Solas: (-.-) -…You… You are never opening another Fade Rift again, are you?_

_Inquisitor: Someday… Maybe… ( >_>) –Perhaps… 'In another world-’… (*W*) -One thing’s for certain it sure as fuck ain’t happening in this one…_

_~=Alternate ending For the Vengeful Solavellans=~_

_~ Inquisitor: =CRACKING SHATTERING NOISE= (^w^) -HA!!… ‘(O_o) -I mean… ( <_<) -Oohh noo…  ...(O_O) -the Foci... It’s broken… (>.>) - Remind you of anything Solas? (=.=) -Like my HEART!!... Maybe we can fix it…_

_=Suddenly a‘Wild’ Fade Rift appears=_

_…Oh… (o_o) -Oh no… ( <.<) -how’d that get there… =’Wild’ Fade Rift sucks broken pieces into Fade=… Aww… damn… tough luck that…_


End file.
